It’s never easy watching someone you love struggle with addiction, especially when that person is your other half. You feel like you’re losing them little by little and you miss the person they were when you first got together. You want what’s best for them — to quit and stay sober — but you don’t want to risk alienating or pushing them away. You want to make them feel loved, while making it known that you can’t keep living with their addiction.
When that person does finally make the choice to step up and get help, things don’t exactly get much easier. Now, you’ve got a whole new set of worries to consider, like managing their emotions and symptoms and avoiding relapse. The hardest part, though, is making space for your own wants and needs rather than sacrificing everything to support them. Here are some tips on how to walk the fine line between loving your partner and losing yourself.
Make Sure They Have the Right Support
No matter how much you love your partner, your love isn’t enough to cure them of a serious problem like addiction. Trying to love them into recovery is a lost cause — one that could permanently wreck your relationship. Instead, your partner needs a strong support network that includes professional help and various forms of social support. Encourage them to lean on other friends and family members, and avoid abandoning the other healthy relationships in their lives.
The structure and support of professional help is a much healthier solution than leaning on you for everything. At minimum, ensure your partner is getting professional help from a licensed therapist, counselor, or other addiction specialist. They may also wish to join a support group or other group therapy option, like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. For more serious cases, the best course of action may be inpatient treatment for drug addiction.
Avoid Codependency
Codependency refers to a set of behaviors in which one person prioritizes another person’s needs over their own. In relationships where addiction is present, this typically means that the partner without the addiction becomes overly involved in managing their partners’ life. If you’re codependent, you might make excuses for your partner or try to help cover up their addiction or any relapses. Or, you might try to cure them yourself instead of encouraging them to get help.
Codependency is not, strictly speaking, a medical condition or even a legitimate mental health diagnosis. It’s normal and natural to want to help your partner, even when that sometimes means making some sacrifices. Caretaking becomes problematic, however, when it slows your partner’s recovery, or leads you to neglect your own self-care, health, life goals, and other relationships. Learn what you can about the differences, and seek licensed professional support if necessary.
Help Them Stick to Healthy Habits
Trying to control or police your partners’ lifestyle habits could wind up hurting both of you. However, you can encourage them to boost their wellbeing by improving your lifestyle and encouraging them to join in. Invite them to come along with you for a run or a trip to the gym, or to cook a healthy meal together. The activity can provide a welcome distraction, while the mental health-boosting benefits of exercise and proper nutrition could help prevent a relapse.
Forming healthy new habits also includes establishing a new routine that doesn’t keep their addiction at the center. You can support your partner — and deepen your bond — by establishing shared activities that don’t involve alcohol, drug use, or triggering environments. For example, instead of hitting the bars, you could hit up a board game night, salsa dance class, or language meetup. Just don’t sacrifice activities you truly love in order to make your partner comfortable.
Support and Self-Care
As mentioned above, don’t give up any passions, dreams, or favorite activities just because alcohol, drugs, or other triggers might be present. For instance, if you dream of visiting Oktoberfest in Germany or a “coffee shop” in Amsterdam, don’t deprive yourself of those adventures. In a healthy relationship, your partner will need to accept that there are some things you just do without them. If they don’t, this could point to deeper control issues in the relationship.
Along those lines, make sure you’re taking plenty of time to seek support and manage your own self-care. You might want to see a therapist, or join a group like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for loved ones of people with addiction. It’s also important to schedule plenty of time to be alone or connect with other friends and loved ones. Never feel guilty about scheduling a spa day, girls’ night, or to take yourself out on a solo date every so often.
Don’t Blame Yourself
If something goes wrong, and your partner does experience a relapse, it’s important to remember that it isn’t your fault. They’re their own separate adult, with their own free will, and they made the decision to use or to drink again. Don’t try to drag them back into rehab or recovery if they just don’t seem like they are into the idea. They’ll have to decide, on their own time and of their own accord, which path they want to walk.
